yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM VODKA MAN
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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