I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
