I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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