Hey man sorry I got all grabby
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
