I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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