I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
