put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
