you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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