i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
