fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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