I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
