Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
