I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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