Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
