i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
