M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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