Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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