Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
