someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
