I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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