Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
