after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
