I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
