booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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