I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
is that a dick in a sweater?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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