my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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