They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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