just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Ketchup is God's man juice
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
