dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
