Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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