I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
