What did we do last night that was yellow?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you had me at cake vodka
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
