Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
