just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
