umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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