I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
