I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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