Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
