Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.