If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's