I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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