If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
