so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
