he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
