the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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