I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
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Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
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He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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