who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
