my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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