cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
