i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
