last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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