Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
