Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
