Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
