You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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