I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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