I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
