My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
