The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
