Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
