I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
