Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
